On Being “S3x Mom”
"Do I really want to be 'sex mom?'" I asked my therapist when I'd completed writing my memoir.
She laughed. "Sure, why not?"
"Because... well, because... do I wanna be 'sex mom?'"
"First of all, you don't know that you'll be 'sex mom' because of your book. And even if you are, so what?" she challenged. "One book, one act, one nickname doesn't stick with you forever... When you're done being 'sex mom' you can be someone else. Anyone you want to be."
It was a powerful statement - we can be anyone we want to be at any time, regardless of our past. Powerful. True, even. But not completely helping to quell my fears...
My anxiety wasn't just about a nickname, obviously. It was about my identity and the way I presented myself to the world; it was about what people would think of me. Which was ironic, of course, as the core message of my book is about how I learned to be true to myself and not worry about what others think...
Still, easier said than done.
***
After that conversation, I asked myself the same question I'd been asking myself all along:
Why did I write this memoir? Why tell this story?
No matter how many times I asked it, however, the answer remained the same. It was the same answer any writer would give for writing any book - because I had to; because it was the story that needed to be told.
Why?
Because it was the final piece, the last hurdle in my transformation from a woman who lived only for others - to meet their expectations and to fulfill their needs - to a woman who lived first and foremost for herself.
And even more importantly, the book serves a purpose far greater than just the retelling of my own story; it serves to give others permission.
Permission to leave their unwanted lives behind and move forward stronger and happier;
Permission to be whomever and whatever they wanted to be;
Permission to pivot at any moment without shame or guilt.
We shouldn't need permission to be ourselves, of course, to live our lives how we want. But the truth is we're conditioned to seek it out, we crave it, and we tend to act only when we receive it.
And as friends and family and strangers read my book, it became clear that sharing my story gave others permission to do the same. Because each and every person who read it told me THEIR stories. How THEY evolved. How THEY changed. Readers all shared THEIR experiences because reading mine gave them permission to finally embrace, take pride in, and admit theirs.
I understood the inclination to come clean, to confess true desires and behavior one might worry would be judged as shameful. I knew what it was like to live on the other side. I'd experienced the isolation, loneliness, confusion, uncertainty of trying to embody change and live authentically against all odds, against the well-meaning advice of everyone. And I hadn't had a lifeline when I was struggling to figure out my path; I hadn't had anyone to tell me it was OK...
Everyone should
have a lifeline.
So, it turns out, it was my calling to create one. A lifeline for people thinking about getting out of unhealthy marriages; for those wondering what it would be like; for those new to the game; for those who’ve been playing the game unsuccessfully for a long time; and for those still unable to even contemplate change.
***
I published my book to give permission; to tell anyone and everyone who needs to hear it that yes, life after divorce is
hard, scary, different, unpredictable… but that doesn’t mean
it’s bad. Or wrong. Or irreversible.
I published my book because it’s the book I wish I’d had when I got divorced, when I was a newly single mother trying to figure out my new self, the new world I was in, and my place in it.
I published my book because I had to.
Even if it means I'm now “sex mom.”
And anyway, I also bake and shit, so who knows what "mom" I’ll be
next year 😉
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