F*ck Me: A Memoir

                                                 The biggest unforeseen disappointment when I got divorced was how many friends I lost in the process. It began with my ex-husband’s friends – and their partners. But that was to be expected. Then it was the couples who only wanted to spend time with other couples.   Then it was the married moms who only wanted to get together to talk about husbands, or only wanted to get together when we had our kids. Then it was the married moms who didn’t understand why I didn’t want to immediately get paired back up, remarried and return to the normalcy of domesticity. Women who had no interest in my dating adventures; women who wanted me to ‘meet someone appropriate’. Then it was divorced moms whose custody schedules didn’t match mine. Then it was  single male friends who coupled up ...

  Writing my memoir, F*ck Me: A Memoir , was cathartic in so many ways.  It helped me revisit, explore and make peace with awkward and hurtful experiences from my past. However, as I reread and reread the manuscript, one disturbing question kept gnawing at me: Why are so many men I’ve dated emotionally unavailable? What attracted me to them? I wondered.  What was it about me that attracted them? I’d never heard the term ‘emotionally unavailable’ before. It was only whilst doing research for my book that I came across the concept. I remember reading the description on a psychology website in an ‘aha’ moment – mouth literally agape, eyes wide as plates. The characteristics included:          Men who avoid intimacy and commitment.          Defensive men.          Men who breadcrumb or are inconsistently available.          Unempathetic men.       ...

  A few years ago, around the time my divorce was finalized, my children sat me down for a talk. They were 7, 9 and 10 years old. My older daughter began, “We think it’s time you got a boyfriend.” From there, my girls took turns pointing out the important qualities I should look for in a partner:           Cool car (truck or sports car)           Cool job (spy or actor)           Must follow the rules of the house (no cell phone at the dinner table)           Must like kids (having kids would be a HUGE bonus) They then proceeded to use their stuffed animals to act out what they called ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ behavior in relationships. First, my younger daughter mimicked people passing one another in the hallway. “You should say ‘excuse me’ and not just shove." Then my older daughter put on a performance in which two people were going to sleep ...

  When I started dating after my divorce – at nearly forty years old – I was told by single friends that men now expected selfies. Hot selfies. Nude selfies. Lingerie selfies. I’d never taken a selfie before. The last time I’d dated was before the invention of the smart phone. And apart from a few sets of matching bras and panties from the sale rack at Victoria’s Secret, I didn’t own a single piece of lingerie. I thought lingerie was for models, twenty-year olds, women who’d never been pregnant before. In other words, not for me and my three-babies-in-three-years, haven’t-worked-out-in-a-decade body. I hoped to avoid the entire situation. I mean, anyone interested in me – a middle-aged mother – certainly wouldn’t expect naked pictures. Right?! Wrong. Within the first few matches on the apps, men were asking for selfies. Hot selfies. Nude selfies. Lingerie selfies . I began looking at shops online. I ordered a few tame teddies and bodysuits; garments which were pretty ...