Why I Love Emotionally Unavailable Men

 

Writing my memoir, F*ck Me: A Memoir, was cathartic in so many ways. It helped me revisit, explore and make peace with awkward and hurtful experiences from my past.

However, as I reread and reread the manuscript, one disturbing question kept gnawing at me: Why are so many men I’ve dated emotionally unavailable?

What attracted me to them? I wondered. What was it about me that attracted them?

I’d never heard the term ‘emotionally unavailable’ before. It was only whilst doing research for my book that I came across the concept. I remember reading the description on a psychology website in an ‘aha’ moment – mouth literally agape, eyes wide as plates.

The characteristics included:

•         Men who avoid intimacy and commitment.
•         Defensive men.
•         Men who breadcrumb or are inconsistently available.
•         Unempathetic men.
•         Men who compartmentalize their partners.

I read on.

I read about potential causes, ways to handle various situations, and how to avoid becoming emotionally unavailable myself. But I didn’t find the one answer I was looking for: Why was I so attracted to borderline-narcissistic, inconsistent, avoidant men who lack empathy?

As I finished the article and read another and then yet another, I mentally started listing names. Names of men I’d recently dated; names of men I’d dated in my youth. So many names.

I’d always though I didn't have a 'type'. I’ve dated men from all walks of life, from all parts of the globe, with all manner of physical appearances. But as I mentally compared the bullet points of attributes on my phone screen to the names of my past, I realized most of them – at least the ones I’d been crazy about – had, in fact, all had  one thing in common: 

They’d all been emotionally unavailable.

In fact, the two men with whom I was then involved (and possibly still am for all I know – hard to tell with emotionally unavailable men), were textbook cases, from their childhood traumas to personality traits, their tendencies towards addictive or obsessive behavior, to unrealistic expectations of themselves and those around them.

 ***

When I completed my manuscript, I had a better understanding of myself, my desires, my inclinations and the pitfalls into which I’m prone to falling.

And yet…

I never did find an answer to that burning question. And I’m not sure I ever will.

 

What types of people attract you? Do you tend to fall for red flags or follow green ones? Comment below!

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