The Unspoken Loneliness Following Divorce (AKA How I Became a Social Pariah)

 

                                     

The biggest unforeseen disappointment when I got divorced was how many friends I lost in the process.

It began with my ex-husband’s friends – and their partners. But that was to be expected.

Then it was the couples who only wanted to spend time with other couples.  

Then it was the married moms who only wanted to get together to talk about husbands, or only wanted to get together when we had our kids.

Then it was the married moms who didn’t understand why I didn’t want to immediately get paired back up, remarried and return to the normalcy of domesticity. Women who had no interest in my dating adventures; women who wanted me to ‘meet someone appropriate’.

Then it was divorced moms whose custody schedules didn’t match mine.

Then it was single male friends who coupled up and their partners didn’t like them having a single female friend.

Or, single male friends who wanted to date me, and I didn’t feel the same.

Then it was the single female friends - who'd been unhappily single for a very long time - who were jealous when I'd get attention from men ("fresh meat syndrome"). Or who'd get upset that I didn't want to go 'hunting' with them.

After this mass breakdown of my social network, I was left with very few friends. Which really sucks when you’re also suddenly without your children for long stretches of time after never having spent a single night apart from them prior to the divorce.

But then... I started to accrue new friends...

First, I started forming friendships with men from – of all places – the dating apps. Yes, those horrible, awful, despicable dating apps which give me nightmares, which you’ll often hear me refer to as ‘the end of civilization’.

Despite how unhelpful I feel the apps are for finding a partner, they've somehow helped me collect a good number of platonic connections: Men with whom I have much in common; Men who want to hear all about my journey; Men who are willing to share with me theirs – rose-colored glasses tossed aside, nit and grit on full display.

Another unanticipated source of friendship came from setups. Yes, like being setup on a blind date, but in this case I was being thrown together with other amazing divorced women, as interested in finding new, honest and supportive friends as I was.

I also found a number of new friends by reconnecting with old acquaintances via social media. Men and women who found themselves now, years after being out of touch, somehow in the same little lonely boat as me.

Finally, I discovered a huge source of supporting, kind, loving, understanding friends from promoting my book online.

When I opened the new accounts for my memoir, I was flooded with messages – from old high school pals, mommies who were in baby groups with me a decade ago, friends of the family, moms from school, even old friends of my ex-husband, who got it. Who really got it.

They thanked me for putting it all out there – the good, the bad and the ugly aspects of single parenting and dating post-divorce. They reassured me I wasn’t alone. They offered to meet up, to tell me their harrowing tales, to commiserate and celebrate with me. 

It was… overwhelming. And heartwarming.

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So, while I was initially dismayed by the loss of so many friendships in the last half decade of singlehood, I’ve also been unexpectedly and pleasantly surprised by the new friendships I’ve cultivated.

It’s a different world out there for me now – and I’m a different person in it. So, I guess it makes sense that I find myself moving forward, healing and growing with a fresh (albeit motley) band of brothers and sisters.

 

What experience have you had in terms of your social groups since getting divorced? Or, on the flip side, have you ever found yourself growing apart from your divorced friends?

Comment below!