How to Fail on the Apps

I’ve been on the dating apps for over four years, and I’ve probably been on 100 unsuccessful first dates. Yes, 100 bad dates. In fact, I’ve had so many bad experiences, I could write a book about it (oh yeah, I did).

I mentioned this to a childhood friend the other day and he was shocked. “How did you end up on 100 dates with men you didn't like?"

Good question, I thought. Really good question. How have I sifted through hundreds – maybe thousands – of profiles and ended up with so many obviously inappropriate matches?

Well, I blame the apps.

From the first time I saw them, I knew they weren’t for me. They’re just so… random. Matching with someone feels as arbitrary as picking a card out of a deck– do you want a three of diamonds or a jack of clubs? Red or black? Face card or number card? High number or low number? That’s how it feels choosing a man based on location, age, race, profession and a couple of photos.

In the olden days (when people looked up from their personal devices from time to time) I had no problem meeting men I liked. In fact, I've ended up in meaningful and long relationships with men I've met on the sidewalk, at restaurants or bars, in school, at jobs, and at music shows.

And in each of these settings, I was able to decide within thirty seconds if I was:

1. Attracted to the person;
2. Had anything in common with them; and 
3. If I wanted to see them again.

So, why are those thirty seconds more telling than weeks spent talking to someone via the apps?

Firstly, because attraction has so much to do with energy and pheromones. I know immediately upon meeting someone if I want to spend more time with them - or even sleep with them. Their smell, the way they speak, how they move, the sound of their laugh, the way they treat others around them. It’s instantaneous. 

That is, when it's organic.

First dates - especially ones with strangers orchestrated through an Internet application - are so fucking awkward. Everyone's on their ‘best behavior’, trying to get the other person to like them... there's almost never anything natural about the conversations or interactions.

Secondly, when you meet someone in a happenstance situation, you already have something in common – you live in the same area, go to the same gym, have friends in common, like the same music or food, etc. When you match on the apps, you're literally pulling a complete stranger out of thin air, a person you'd never have met in real life, whose life doesn't intersect with yours in any way, and hoping that they're going to be the love of your life. Sounds ridiculous, right?

And thirdly, if you went out with someone who lived in your neighborhood, who worked with you or who knew your friends or family, they'd be taking on a certain risk and responsibility dating you. There would be consequences for "bad" behavior. However, when you meet through the apps, there's no accountability. If someone's rude or aggressive, if they lie or otherwise treat the other person badly, or if they just lose interest, they can - and usually do - simply ghost, without so much as an explanation or "goodbye". 

Another major problem I have with the apps is how to design a "good" profile which attracts the "right" type of men.

Do I pick my best photos and worry that I’ll potentially disappoint my date? Or choose less-than-best photos and maybe not attract anyone? Are the photos supposed to be sexy? Not too sexy? Cute? Not too wholesome?

As for the information listed and boxes checked… What do I write under children? “Have and don’t want more” suggests I’d be opposed to meeting someone with kids, but “open to kids” suggests I might want to have more of my own. Neither of those options reflect my situation. Same with my dating goals. Short-term suggests casual hookups. But long-term suggests I want to eventually get remarried. Where's the in-between option?

And finally, my biggest problem with the apps... is that I just don't use them enough. As everyone says, it's a "numbers game" - and 100 doesn't even start to make the cut. So if you use them as I do - signing on every few months, matching with a few men, going on a date or two, and then closing them again for months... well, apps may be terrible, but the truth is, they can't work at ALL if you don't use them. 

If you have any suggestions on how to better utilize the apps or any inspiring stories of them actually working, please, please comment or message and let me know!!

 Keep checking back for updates on the release of my upcoming memoir, F*ck Me: A Memoir, filled with tales of disappointing, disastrous – but memorable - app-related situations, and so much more!!

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