On NOT Settling Down

One of the most frequent questions I get – and I mean that in the sense of critical, judgmental, eyebrows-raised questioning – is how long I plan to keep “just dating” and not "settle down".

This is asked by well-meaning friends, family members and acquaintances, most of whom are married or trying to be, and all of whom truly believe that once I’m in a partnership, I’ll be a more complete person.

I can’t stress how infuriating it is to hear this over and over; how dull it is to repeat, broken-record-like, the same answer:

I don’t know that I’ll ever want to “settle down” again.

Here’s the thing – I’m ALREADY complete. I have an amazing life! I have three healthy, gorgeous, intelligent, unique children with whom I have incredible relationships. I have two adorable dogs. I own my own house. I have degrees and certifications in various areas of education and women’s health, and continue to augment my self-education on these topics on a regular basis. I travel the US and the world. I read books. I write books. I listen to podcasts and watch documentaries. I work out. I spend time in nature. I have friends whom I try to see at least every few weeks.

In other words, how much more complete do I need to be?

I understand that my friends and family want me to be happy. I understand that society values marriage and long-term companionship over single life - and there are many valid reasons for this. For example, yes, it would be incredible to have ONE specific human being to whom I was attracted, for whom I had admiration, with whom I enjoyed doing activities; with whom I could share intimacy, flirt, have s3x; with whom I would cuddle at night and always enjoy their company; who would commit loyally to my happiness until our dying days. 

BUT...

Finding that ONE perfect human being in middle-age is very different than when you're just starting out in life and you're fresh and green with every option and possibility lying before you deliciously, and you have no roots down anywhere and a million dreams that could all come true and bring you happiness. There are various limitations that come with a life full of experience and success, such as children, and wanting to remain in one location based on kids' schools and work, friends and family, not to mention lifestyle choices you've carefully adopted over the years. All of which means it's a lot more difficult later in life to find a partner who correlates with all your moving parts than it was in your youth when all those parts were somewhat malleable and interchangeable.

So, I suppose my biggest issue with the idea of "settling down" again - is the "settling" part. I'm simply  unwilling to settle on less than I deserve and for anything that makes me less happy and less complete than I already am.

And anyway, who's to say that a stream of different partners who each fulfill one or many needs and come and go throughout your life isn't JUST as satisfying and "completing" as that one rare unicorn who'll be able to do it all and be it all for you?

 

Are you single? Is it by choice? What's your favorite thing about being single?

Are you in a relationship? What's your favorite thing about being in a relationship?

Read more about my life and my upcoming book, F*ck Me: A Memoir, to learn more about some of my successes and failures in relationships, and why I love my life just as it is!

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