On Kink Shaming

 

I recently watched a few programs on television that really got me thinking. The first was the newest season of Love is Blind and the second was the Netflix limited series, A Perfect Couple.

No, I’m serious, they both got me thinking - and thinking about the same thing: Kink Shaming.

Let me explain.

In the former, a resentful lover lashes out at the recently-dubbed “love of her life” (I’m not even going to go there) after finding out he was sexting with another woman. While I understood her pain, anger and desire to hurt him, I was genuinely shocked when her response was to focus on how “disgusting and perverted”* his desires were, rather than the fact that he had broken her trust and hurt her. It almost seemed as if her discovery of his anal fixations and other unnamed sexual proclivities offended her more than the fact that he had discussed and planned to do them with another woman.

Now, I’m not defending the emotional cheating (and from what it sounds like, plans to follow through with such cheating in person). However, I do feel... sad... that this young woman decided to berate her former partner about his sexual preferences in front of 85 million viewers, in an attempt humiliate and punish him for who he IS and not for what he DID.

As I said, I also recently watched the new Nicole Kidman Netflix series and, without giving too much away, was as thoroughly confused about something that happens between two characters on the show as I was shocked at the turn of events on LIB S7.

In this case, a betrayed lover decides the best way to completely humiliate and destroy his partner - and her pristine image and career - is to publicly air the fact that they took part in threesomes “regularly; not every day, but on holidays and birthdays and that sort of thing,”* thereby negating her standing in the community and eradicating their label as a "perfect couple".

Watching these two programs nearly back-to-back, a “reality” TV program and a fictional portrayal, both of which aired in the year 2024, made me wonder: is kinky sex really that big a deal? 

Do we live in such a puritanical and uptight society that we immediately think badly of someone if they like pegging or threesomes or any other number of healthy, fun and widely-enjoyed sexual activities?

I assume so, seeing as the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) still classifies "unusual" or "anomalous" sexual proclivities and/or behaviors as psychological disorders. And apparently tv writers, producers and reality show contestants think that the most hurtful thing you could do to someone would be to publicly display such inclinations.

I don’t get it.

The more I experience and learn what I like, and the more I speak up about it and speak to others about what they like, and the more I read about people's preferences and behaviors in memoirs and fiction, on dating and health websites, and in research about sexual desire, sexual behavior and sexual fantasies - the less I’m shocked or offended by anything anyone does or likes (as long as it’s consensual, of course).

So, I guess I’m just confused why kink is still such a grey area (no pun intended).

Any ideas?

*I am paraphrasing here, so don’t hold me to these quotes!

Read more about how I learned what I like and dislike in my upcoming memoir, F*ck Me: A Memoir! 

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