On Ghosts and Zombies

 

Earlier this week, I posted a story about being ghosted. However, after really thinking about it, discussing it by DM with a slew of my followers, and reading more research on the topic, I realized that the story I presented was not, in fact, one of ghosting.

Yes, the gentleman in question "disappeared" after our third date, but we weren't in a relationship, we'd determined that we weren't interested in anything serious and, truth be told, after that last date I never reached out to him either (more on that situation in my upcoming sex and dating memoir).

So would I call it ghosting? Probably not. That said, there are a lot of interpretations on this topic. 

Personally, I think you can only be ghosted by a person with whom you're really involved. If you've only gone on a couple of dates and the person never returns your calls or you don't pursue seeing them further, that's not ghosting, that's just disinterest. 

Another difference between ghosting and, say, a relationship organically fizzling out, is that ghosting happens out of nowhere and the person in question seemingly disappears without a trace. It isn't a gradual pulling away, it isn't the space and silence following a breakup or fight. It comes without warning, in the middle of a relationship (platonic, romantic, sexual, or even  professional), when you least expect it and you're left without an explanation for why it happened.

Finally, if you're trying to determine if you've been ghosted or not... just look at you're reaction to what happened. Ghosting is psychologically damaging. It eats away at you - you wonder what you did wrong, why it happened to you. You question everything you knew about the person and everything that happened between you. You question yourself. You question reality.

Interestingly, some research indicates that ghosting isn't, as many think, a callous response enacted by an unfeeling individual. It's more likely a fear-based response made by a person lacking social skills, who harbors intimacy issues; a person who doesn't know how to process and articulate emotions; a person who's so afraid of hurting people - but is so deficient in the skills necessary to have healthy relationships - that they run and hide, rather than confronting the situation.

Not that it matters why ghosters disappear; the consequences are the same regardless of the intentions. 

***

So, like I said, I don't think I was ghosted by that comedian from my post earlier this week... 

But have I ever been ghosted? Oh, yes. Several times. And each time by the same person. No, really, I was ghosted by the same person four times.

The first time it happened, I was shocked. It occurred so abruptly, the guy's behavior so out of character, I didn't realize I was being ghosted - until he didn't respond to six messages I sent in a row.

(Six. Messages. Apparently I'm slow on the uptake.)

After that first disappearance, I eventually got back in touch with the guy who provided me with a plausible explanation and a robust apology. I understood the circumstances, forgave him, and assumed it would never happen again.

But it did. 

Again and again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I know it sounds crazy, but it isn't an unusual phenomenon. It's called "zombieing". Yeah, really, it's a thing. It's when a ghoster pops back up "from the dead" to torture you even further... 

And, yes, I kept taking the bait. 

***

It's now been quite a while since I've heard from the zombie-ghost and I'm feeling very... peaceful. Life's a lot quieter without monsters creeping about.

But I can't promise I won't be sucked in again... like I said, slow on the uptake.

Have you ever been ghosted? Zombied? Share your experience below!

And read more about both the men mentioned above - and all the other terrible mistakes I've made with terrible men in my upcoming memoir, F*ck Me: A Memoir - out January 1, 2025!! 

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