On Oversharing
When I started telling people about my sex and dating memoir, I received a similar response from nearly everyone: “You’ll use a pen name, right?”
Each time I’d respond with a laugh. “Nope.”
A look of horror would then takeover the faces of my well-meaning loved ones (who didn’t want to see me “ruin my life” for a book). At first, they’d try to convince me to change my mind. Some gently, others firmly. They'd remind me that I had children (oh, really?) and that one day I might want to work for someone who wasn't too thrilled by my exploits (um, no), that I might regret it one day (oh well!), and that I Really. Should. Think. About. It.
But it didn't matter. I'd made up my mind. I was determined to publish my story as a 100% factual memoir, not a thinly-veiled piece of fiction - with my real name attached.
This was for two reasons:
Firstly, I'm proud of my life. I’m proud of my story. I don’t feel the need to hide anything. So why wouldn’t I put my real name on it?
And secondly, if I were to hide my true identity, wouldn’t I be undermining the entire message of my book? Namely, that you can be whomever you wish to be without fear or shame?
Once given a sufficient rationale for my decision, most faces of horror would then dissolve into something of… well, not full acceptance or complete agreement, but at least a hint of understanding.
Then said faces would scrunch up, eyes cast skyward, mental wheels visibly turning as the well-intentioned good Samaritans contemplated a solution for me. And nearly each one would then come up with the same, most "logical" solution (often calling it out excitedly, as if they'd just made an amazing discovery - and as if I'd not already thought of it): “OK, so maybe just tone down the sex! Or take it out entirely?!”
This issue was a little more difficult for me to address, because, well, I wasn’t entirely sure (as I'd been about using my real name), that I was making the right decision.
Should I include so much graphic sex? I
wondered. Should I remove it? Tone it down? Offer a separate, “clean”
version?
The conundrum plagued me for some time. Right up until publication day, in fact. (OK, truth be told, I'm still toying with the idea of releasing a censored version.)
But, for now, I’m leaving it as is.
Why?
Because my experiences of sexual exploration, getting back in touch with my physical self, and rekindling long-forgotten desires were all such a vital part of my internal transformation;
Because I want to include the most raw, most honest snapshot of a life I can;
Because describing intimate interactions - in detail - can reveal more about a relationship than a thousand pages of poetic postulation ever could;
Because I’ve never seen anyone else do it.
Have my decisions been for the best?
Like most things in life, I don’t know. I might never know. But they feel right to me. And, if I've gained anything of value these last few years, it's the ability to finally trust my own intuition.
(And have the confidence to make really big mistakes and know that everything will still be alright.)
Do you always do what feels right to you, despite the doubts of those around you?
Do you feel more inclined to overshare, or protect your true thoughts, feelings and past experiences?
Let us know in comments below!
And read all about my embarrassing, spicy, wonderful and terrible (probably-should-keep-them-to-myself) experiences in my newly-released tell all memoir!
-- Discover even more of my secrets on my socials:
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