On... Anticipation
You know, that feeling of NOT getting what you want immediately; of NOT having whatever your heart desires at the touch of a button - be it the news, Chinese takeout or a jumbo package of toilet paper at your front door?
I miss the excitement of possibility... Of going out to a party or event hoping to meet someone interesting, waiting to hear from them, waiting to go out on a date with them, and waiting to learn everything about them – slowly, over time.
I’ve come to realize that one of my biggest problems with
dating apps is that it completely obliterates the delicious anticipation we used
to relish in the process of dating.
Now you click a box – “want a relationship” or “looking for
fun,” “want kids” or “no kids!” You
click a link to a potential date's social media profile and learn everything about them from what
elementary school they attended to what birthday cake they ate this year; You
click on photos and see them from every angle, watch videos to learn how they
sound, the mannerisms they use, and who they went to what museum with just last
week; You know their taste in music, movies, books and political alignments BEFORE YOU’VE EVER EVEN MET THEM.
Putting aside that everything about someone online could be lies... this all means that by the first time you go on a first date (which will take place approximately 1-5 days from the time you have first learned about someone's very existence), you potentially already know more about them than you do your own mother.
It’s weird, right? And worse than that… it
takes the fun out of dating in so many ways.
I’m not saying I enjoy waiting for many things. I, too, am
caught up in the constant immediacy and urgency of everyday modern life. However, there's a distinct pleasure in waiting to get to know someone organically, of allowing their layers to unfold bit by bit, of enjoying the satisfaction of both giving and earning trust over time, of diving into the deep, dark unknown waters of new human being.
Ironically, what led me to realize how much I miss the slow burn of getting to know someone have been my experiences dating since I wrote a memoir.
I can't tell you how weird it was the first time I went on a date with a man who’d read my book and knew things about me - not even the extremely intimate details I included in my book - but just the most basic, mundane facts about me that I wouldn't expect a perfect stranger to know.
One man booked a vegetarian restaurant for our first date, for example, even though I hadn't mentioned to him that I'm a vegetarian. Another man seemed utterly perplexed when I said I don't drink alcohol. He then muttered, with a disappointed look on his face, "Oh, I didn't know that," (i.e. his "research" on me had failed him - and yes, he later used the word "research."). A third gentleman let me know he'd arrived for our date early because he'd "read between the lines" of my book and realized how much I valued people being on time.
As this happened again and again, I realized it isn’t just happening to me because I wrote a memoir. It’s happening to ALL of us because every aspect of our lives is on the internet. In a way, it holds us accountable, sure, but it also invites a perverse sense of intimacy with strangers that doesn’t actually exist, which seems in my humble opinion, to be a perfect way to destroy the chance at a relationship with someone before it's even begun.
So what's the answer? Like every other dating conundrum I contemplate... I don't know. Remove my online presence? Delete my dating profile? Hide every copy of my book in circulation?? Maybe.
Or... maybe there are benefits to all of this that I'm just not seeing yet...? What do you think?
How do you feel about dating in the age of technology and information?? Are you appreciative of knowing everything about someone up front? Or would you rather an air of mystery as you peel back the layers of the proverbial onion?
Comment below!
Read all about my initial forays into app-based dating in my
post-divorce, middle-age era, dating and sex memoir: F*ck Me: A Memoir – and
surprise me with all the inane facts you know about me from reading it next
time I see you! ;p
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