On Intentionality
On Intentionality
I recently dated a man who seemed, at first glance, amazing. Perfect. Too good to be true.
He was tall, handsome, intelligent, shared my passion for reading, traveling, baking, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, and he, too, was a parent of three teenagers.
During our very first conversation, he cheered, “let’s Brady Bunch the shit out of this!”
I laughed, and secretly thought, "Hell yeah!"
We messaged, talked on the phone and got to know one another at great length for nearly a month before our schedules aligned to meet in person. Despite the long wait - perhaps because of it - I'd never been so excited about a first date!
Not trying to get ahead of myself, he was the type of man I could really see myself falling for, a man with whom I could see myself building a life. And from everything he told me, I thought he felt the same way. Or, at least, I thought that was the goal.
Then, just a few days before we were to finally meet, he did something…
weird.
He'd already told me that he'd purchased my memoir and was planning to read it on a work trip the week before our first date. Well, apparently after devouring the book in just two days, he decided to record three twenty-minute voice notes
detailing every romantic and sexual involvement he'd had with women since his divorce to
“even the score.”
To "even" what score? What an immature and insecure reaction to my book! It certainly wasn't what I was expecting, nor something I thought I would be happy about But soon I was extremely grateful for the gesture...
You see, we all make assumptions about people. Especially people we think are like us. People in the same age range, who read the same kinds of books and listen to the same kinds of music and have similar hobbies; people with kids of the same ages, with the same parenting perspectives.
And sometimes it’s hard to see past our assumptions (and hopes) about people, and see them for who they truly are.
But when this potential suitor detailed every single tryst and relationship he'd had in the last five years, he offered me a glimpse into his true intentions - intentions for his love life, family plans, career dreams, life goals - or, rather, a stunning lack thereof.
I learned all about the various and seemingly random situations and situationships he'd had, including one with a teenager (nearly 30 years his junior, the age as his eldest child), a woman abroad with whom he'd become entangled after setting his app location to England "just for fun" (with no interest in following through), and a relationship he'd had with a woman for a full year before realizing she was a raging alcoholic (he wasn't paying that much attention to her - it was difficult considering he was dating other people on the side the entire time).
Yes, I was grateful to learn more about the gentleman in question than I probably could have in months of dating without getting involved or getting hurt... Most importantly, I found out:
1. He never remembered anything I told him and repeated himself so much because he dated multiple women simultaneously, regardless of how involved they were, how long they dated for or how either one felt about the other;
2. He had no specific criteria for a partner - he stated that he "never want to know what his life would be like in a year or two or five," and that he "wanted to stay open to every possibility" (despite admitting that he had a family, a job, roots in Los Angeles and other aspects of his life which were simply inflexible to accommodate most of the possibilities he was pursuing);
3. When women "caught feelings" he moved on.
In other words, he kept dating unsuitable women in whom he had no real interest, didn't spend enough time learning about his partners to go deeper than surface level, and learned nothing about himself or whom he might want to spend his life with through the chaotic process.
I get it. I really do. When you're with someone for years, for decades, and you think that's it! You'll never date or sleep with or enjoy a first kiss with anyone ever again... and then you get divorced and have the chance to do all those things again? It's exciting! It's liberating!
But, at some point, after experimenting, exploring, tasting everything and everyone out there, if you're truly interested in finding a life partner (as this man claimed to be), shouldn't you be learning from those experiences to better understand what it is you enjoy, what you want, and what you don't?
Who you want and who you don't?
Because if you aren't learning, if you aren't allowing your experiences, your mistakes, your desires, your needs and your reality to inform future decisions... you're doomed to exist in perpetual, random dating chaos forever.
Maybe this gentleman is fine with that. I, for one, am not.
And through my time getting to know this "perfect" man (which came to an end shortly after receiving those messages), I realized that we were not as alike as I'd first thought. I've been where he is - floating around, flailing, trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted, trying anything and everything because I had no idea what would fit... but I learned, I grew, and I'm no longer that person.
I'm now an intentional person, a grounded person.
A person looking to share my life - including all the amazing, wonderful, solid roots of that life, such as my children and my house and community and extended family and friends and purpose and direction - with someone else who has two feet on the ground, a clear vision of what's to come next, and realistic ideas of what will come thereafter.
I've had exciting. I've had crazy. Now I'm interested in real.
Read more about my journey of self-discovery in my tell-all memoir: F*ck Me: A Memoir
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